Chasing Joy? No.
joyful moments? yes.
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Left to my own devices. Untethered. It’s how I’ve felt lately, it’s how I’ve been lately.
So much of what I’ve learned about relationships, from my favorite podcasts, floods my brain. Things like, the highest indicator of long-term happiness is the quality of personal relationships. Also, strong connections provide greater life satisfaction, often shielding against loneliness and chronic stress.
“Even just one or two deep, trusting connections are more important than many acquaintances.
Strong relationships at age 50 predict better health at 80. They reduce ruminating and protect against physical and emotional decline.
While happiness can be found alone, the consensus is that healthy, supportive connections are the strongest predictor of overall happiness.”
If it comes from Reddit, it must be true.
The redeeming news is that the same research results come from a wide range of research scientists.
And once I put down a whole host of relational expectations, from the titled and the entitled, I began to live in this supportive evidence.
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As the way I relate to others became clearer to me, my relationships became both well-defined and malleable. I have flexibility, am able to come and go, without continuing to serve those that did not, or no longer, served me. I addressed the lack of reciprocity I was habituated to, it’s how I began to live more in my values of intention, growth, integrity, and nature. I literally became happier without having to erase negative emotions and experiences that are just as much a part of a whole life as positive stuff.
But for a few weeks now, I have been left to my own devices with a lot of alone time at home. It hasn’t felt like a test, but something tells me I failed. I carved out too much time to do organizational projects. I didn’t open myself up to get outside with friends for just an hour, for several days. I leapt into a previous way of being, wanting everything sparkling clean, in its place, not a speck nor a spot, nor a mark, nor a blemish, on the reality I crave when I’m alone.
Ew. No wonder I feel like I failed. I mean, I didn’t even open a puzzle, I didn’t ask my shoulders to kindly detach from my neck. Uptight Aly attempted full bloom again, but then Thursday came and under a blanket of cherry blossoms, along a waterfront, beside a friend, pure joy returned.
🌸
I found myself thinking about sliding back into ease as I finished my Substack piece Thursday morning. Then DeNae and her daughter, Lizzie, showed up with over-sized bejeweled sunglasses for the four of us on our adventure day and more ease found its way into me. Warm smiles and laughter were all around and as I tried to enmesh myself in it, I felt a force tugging at me.
The force has four legs and wanted to be with us. This confused me because usually when I tell Oscar the Doggo that I’ll “BRB”, be right back, he finds a cozy place to rest, knowing that I will indeed BRB. But now, he kept running at the door, eyes pleading with me. I took a few seconds to look into those puppy dog eyes and realized this was not about his potential FOMO or whether I would BRB or not, this was about another word he knows,
T-R-E-A-T.
I excused myself for a few more seconds before I joined them all outside, gave Oscar a few crunchy bits, and he trotted off to the sun-filled writing room window. I locked the door behind me and paused before joining the rest. I took in a deep breath through my nose as far as I could, then let it spill out through my mouth for as long as I could.
Ahh, reset, I thought. Ahh, refreshed.
Any feelings of failure and pace and needing to accomplish this to get that done before this other thing happens, disappeared. I was present once again, after days of sensory absence. I didn’t need to ponder it further, no dissecting it into 30 separate parts- I knew what happened and could believe myself. Tethering back is really all that mattered.
It was a gorgeous day with gorgeous people and scenery and sensation. Not much beats allowing contentment to take the lead.
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Another adventure awaited Friday. Aimee and Stan, the long-legged Doberman, picked Oscar and I up at 9am and we were off to explore the Thousand Acre Dogpark. For several hours we wandered trails and roamed, Stan and Oscar checking in with us along the way, like kids on a playground. We took in the stunning landscape and views, the fresh air, the seemingly infinite cases of the zoomies whenever we happened upon a large expanse of grass. We shared our thoughts, bits of our lives, ourselves.
Ahh, ease, I thought. Contentment sprinkled with bliss. Connection.
It doesn’t take much to get off track, it doesn’t take much to get back either.
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I woke up this morning (Saturday) and as I yawned and stretched and tried to come to life, the phrase “chasing joy” was softly ringing in my ears. It was whispered in such a gentle tone, yet the phrase didn’t sit well with me; it felt tinged with desperation. I let it move throughout and within me, though, and once I fed the animals and got my coffee, I googled it.
The first thing that popped up was The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World by the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu. I vaguely remember this coming out a decade ago, back when I began to suspect that a baseline of contentment was not something I would experience alone. Healthy, supportive connections in real life day to day, just like Reddit said, is a better path forward.
The eight mental qualities and practices that foster lasting happiness regardless of circumstance caught my attention.
Perspective- Humility- Humor- Acceptance
Forgiveness- Gratitude- Compassion- Generosity
I thought about the last few days, wrapped in exploration, nature, fresh air, delight, bright eyes, sending laughter into the wind, Evi taking a selfie with her iced ube lavender latte only to have DeNae eating some chips reflected in her flashy bejeweled sunglasses, giggling when that chihuahua in the oversized coat waddled it’s way to Aimee just to say “Hi there!” before turning around and waddling away.
Chasing Joy? No.
Joyful Moments? Yes.
Connected. Tethered. Living in value. Reciprocal relationships. Sharing bits & baubles & entire swaths of ourselves, our time and energy, our hearts. Laughing with another. Crying with another. Sitting in the dark beside someone- we all have our times in the dark, why not with a hand to hold?
I suddenly realize the eight mental qualities and practices are how I lived the last few weeks as I have been “left to my own devices”. Forgiving the feeling of some type of failure, practicing self-compassion as one deep breath in and long exhaling out resets and refreshes. Generosity of time and energy moving through each other, obvious humility, humor, acceptance, gratitude. And perspective. Doesn’t it all seem to begin, and undoubtably end, with perspective?
I haven’t really been left to my own devices; Tom has just been out of town while I’m still getting used to Evi’s leveled up independence. I just took time to clean out closets and sheds, the garage, learned that in the Pacific Northwest, termites live in trees and mud daubers make their nests in places like my sheds. Like lots and lots of scary nests in my sheds. I haven’t switched back to habits I left behind me; I just forget for a few days that holding a hand in the dark is way better than sitting there alone. And when I finally came up for fresh air, perspective washed over me.
“You see, usually everybody seeks happiness- joyfulness- but from outside.
From money, from power, from big car, from big house, ultimate source of happy life- even physical health.
Inside, not outside.”
-The Dalai Lama
🌸
Thank you so much for being here; it means the world to me that you took the time to read what comes from my heart.
Take Good Care,
Aly
Becoming a free subscriber to I Travel With Bananas and sharing it with others helps me greatly! Please consider becoming a paid subscriber for $6/month or $60/year.
I love that Dalai Lama! Hope you find more joy this week :)